Andrew and Karla's Place

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should’ve known……

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can guess that this was sent to me by a woman.

LAST NIGHT AS I LAY SLEEPING
I DIED OR SO IT SEEMED,
THEN I WENT TO HEAVEN
BUT ONLY IN MY DREAM
UP THERE ST. PETER MET ME
STANDING AT THE PEARLY GATES,
HE SAID, “I MUST CHECK YOUR RECORD
PLEASE STAND HERE AND WAIT.”
HE TURNED AND SAID “YOUR RECORD
IS COVERED WITH TERRIBLE FLAWS,
ON EARTH, I SEE YOU RALLIED
FOR EVERY LOSING CAUSE”.
I SEE THAT YOU DRANK ALCOHOL
AND SMOKED AND PARTIED TOO,
FACT IS, YOU’VE DONE EVERYTHING
A GOOD PERSON SHOULD NEVER DO.
WE CAN’T HAVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU UP HERE
YOUR LIFE WAS FULL OF SIN,
THEN HE READ THE LAST OF MY RECORD
TOOK MY HAND AND SAID ‘’COME IN.’’
HE LED ME IN AND SAID TO THE ANGELS:
“TAKE HIM IN AND TREAT HIM WELL,
“HE USED TO WORK IN BANKING
HE’S DONE HIS TIME IN HELL.”

This is definitely one job I have no desire in the world to have.

Two blonde girls were working for the city council public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it  _   why do you dig a hole, only to have
your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.’

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers’.

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

What are you going to do?’ the homeowner asks.

I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.  When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner.
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