Andrew and Karla's Place » Jokes

News Flash Buzz returns after exciting mission.

Andrew — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 04:20:10 +0000

Buzz after his successful mission around the Eart

Time for a laugh

Andrew — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 23:44:41 +0000

The Good Grandpa:

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It’s obvious Gramps has his
hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in
the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. M eanwhile, Gramps is
working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ‘Easy, Albert, we
won’t be long — easy, boy.’

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, ‘It’s okay, Albert, just
a couple more minutes and we’ll be outta here — hang in there.’

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, ‘Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.’

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries
and the boy into the car. ‘You know, sir, it’s none of my business, but you
were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you
kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you
for his grandpa.’

‘Thanks, lady,’ said Gramps, ‘But I’m Albert — the little bastard’s name is
Johnny.’

Something to make the day seem better

Andrew — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 00:21:04 +0000

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . .

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,
on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with
the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths
occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was
assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday
morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses
nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible
phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books,
and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock
struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward
and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill
in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively
saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate
them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two
places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? – No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless
protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It
came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb,
he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better?

Some funny pictures

Andrew — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 04:13:14 +0000

Some funny pictures….

I'll have gravy with mine

Might just get this one. At least the tyres wont be worn out.

Time for a Joke

Andrew — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 05:26:10 +0000

A Greek and an Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck’s cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, ‘Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,’ arching his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies, ‘Well… It was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.’

The Greek retorts, ‘We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.’ The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, ‘Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.’

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, ‘The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!’

The Scotsman replies, ‘Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.’

A Christmas Story

Andrew — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 23:50:41 +0000

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should’ve known……

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can guess that this was sent to me by a woman.

A POEM FOR BANKING STAFF

Andrew — Thu, 18 Dec 2008 00:21:17 +0000

LAST NIGHT AS I LAY SLEEPING
I DIED OR SO IT SEEMED,
THEN I WENT TO HEAVEN
BUT ONLY IN MY DREAM
UP THERE ST. PETER MET ME
STANDING AT THE PEARLY GATES,
HE SAID, “I MUST CHECK YOUR RECORD
PLEASE STAND HERE AND WAIT.”
HE TURNED AND SAID “YOUR RECORD
IS COVERED WITH TERRIBLE FLAWS,
ON EARTH, I SEE YOU RALLIED
FOR EVERY LOSING CAUSE”.
I SEE THAT YOU DRANK ALCOHOL
AND SMOKED AND PARTIED TOO,
FACT IS, YOU’VE DONE EVERYTHING
A GOOD PERSON SHOULD NEVER DO.
WE CAN’T HAVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU UP HERE
YOUR LIFE WAS FULL OF SIN,
THEN HE READ THE LAST OF MY RECORD
TOOK MY HAND AND SAID ‘’COME IN.’’
HE LED ME IN AND SAID TO THE ANGELS:
“TAKE HIM IN AND TREAT HIM WELL,
“HE USED TO WORK IN BANKING
HE’S DONE HIS TIME IN HELL.”

I don't want this job.

Andrew — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 06:07:23 +0000

This is definitely one job I have no desire in the world to have.

New Council Workers

Andrew — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 01:45:28 +0000

Two blonde girls were working for the city council public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street,
working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it _ why do you dig a hole, only to have
your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.’

Bear removal service.

Andrew — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 23:07:44 +0000

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers’.

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

What are you going to do?’ the homeowner asks.

I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner.

If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog.